Sunday, June 25, 2023

Empty Nester Catastrophe - Send help

 Day two of being an empty nester has not gone according to plan.

While doing yard work this morning, for the first time in my life, I tried to weed eat my leg. Three times.

Then, I noticed one of the dogs had foam coming from his mouth just as I saw the toad not far from us, and neither were happy. I thought the toad was a goner, but after I got the dog inside to google whether or not he was going to die, he hopped off. The first article I found online went on and on and on and on about the difference between frogs and toads, and how some toads are poisonous, blah blah blah... I mean, the dog could've died while I tried to get to the information I needed!

The dog didn't die. But I did spend the rest of my time weed eating deciding what I would do if he exhibited any of the signs of toxicity. I mean, he has dementia...and he HAS had a pretty good life. Did I need to spend hundreds of dollars on him if he's about to check out anyway? 

I decided I should clean out my car. That's when I knew the universe had gone awry. I'm that person that NEVER (and I mean NEVER in my life!) leaves the vehicle without taking the keys with me. ESPECIALLY when I'm at the car wash, I make sure my keys are in my pocket, because I just *know* somehow the car is going to lock and the keys will be locked inside. I washed the car with no issue. Then, while I was vacuuming it out with the worst suction vacuum EVER, I thought about how I should have just gotten out my shop vac at home, because it works SO much better but I just didn't want to drag it out of the basement, and I might as well start vacuuming behind the driver seat even though it's pointless I wonder what I'm going to have for lunch because I'm hungry and THEN IT HAPPENED.

 The back door was locked. I didn't panic yet, because it usually does lock, and I had driven from the car wash to the vacuum, so that made sense. Then I tried the front door and it had locked somehow. My fear was finally justified. I KNEW it could do this! I looked down and saw the keys in my seat.

My first thought was that my daughter probably has the spare key on her key ring. In Croatia. I can't call her housemate to see if she left her keys at home because my phone is locked in the car. Thankfully my sister has had the same phone number for over 20 years, so I can call her, and she is at my house a few minutes away. There is a lot more that goes wrong, but the story is already getting too long...eventually she gets there and calls AAA.


I think it was his first day. He can't get the door open. I so badly wanted to take the tools from him and do it myself, because sometimes it's just common sense (and we know how that is). Finally I realize how easily my keys would be to grab with his glorified coat hanger thingy, and tell him that might be easier. It takes him a while, but finally...SUCCESS. Let me tell you something... if you have a bunch of big jingly things on your keys, get them off now. Here are my keys, and they barely fit through the crack in the door. If I had all kinds of stuff on there, I'd probably still be sitting at the car wash trying to figure out what to do with his body. PLEASE tell your teenage girls that think it's all cute to have ginormous key decor that it isn't! 

As soon as I got in my car, I looked for my phone so I could contact my daughter's housemate to see if her keys are there. That's when I discovered I had left my phone at home...

I have decided that I need adult supervision. I don't know what awaits me tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure I can't handle it. I have decided to put myself up for adoption. If you can find it in your heart to adopt a crazy old lady that is a danger to herself and probably her pets, PLEASE... you know where to find me. I'm probably going to have to start drinking, so I'll come with alcohol (doesn't mean I'll share, don't get crazy now).

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